Screaming Silently

The day is winding down, kids are bathed and in bed. this time every day is the saddest part of my day, I feel the most alone. When the kids are up at least I have someone to talk to, and I am needed and loved and best of all a distracted about the reality of my relationship. this time of the day is where I get to enjoy the dirty looks, the mean comments or the complete ambivalence about the fact that I am dying inside. there was a time when we had lots to talk about and I enjoyed being with him, and then one day it all changed, he just started being….simply, mean! sometimes on nights like this I just want to go up to him and hug him and pretend that this was just a bad dream. That all the bad never really happened. That he never kicked me out of bed just 3 days after my cesarean section with my baby and locked me out of the bedroom, forcing us to sleep on the couch,or when he left me at the store looking ant cribs and just took of, while I sat on the front steps of the store 8 months pregnant with my older son crying….wondering why?  I wish none of it were true but that is not the reality. Last week he was talking to mother and I actually heard him tell her that he had not been that supportive through my pregnancy and when our daughter came home, he told her that it was causing problems in our relationship still. I had butterfly’s in my stomach, I saw a flicker of hope, could it be that he is starting to see the wrong in his ways? About an hour later , my hopes where shattered when he came over to me and told me his mother was right, that those things happened almost a year ago, you would think I would be over them by now! I go to the laundry room and start putting a load in, crying. Maybe I am being to sensitive, if even his mother thinks so……But it hurt and it still hurts and when he says things like that it hurts even worse.

Where Do We go From Here?

One of the biggest issues I have in this relationship is his control games. My situation is difficult because we live in a different country away from family and with out the regular jobs and assistance of the modern world. I work full ans so does he, we actually work together. without him life would be a lot more difficult financially . He knows that it would be hard for me without him and he also knows that as we were we live would make it difficult for me to legally force him to pay support. So when he wants he makes excuses to leave the house and then will stay out for hours without answering his phone, it is his form of punishing me and reminded me of the control he has. He will then eventually begin sending text messages to make sure there will not be a confrontation when he returns, knowing that if i say I am upset or this is not acceptable he can just continue his night out and not answer his phone or come home. These nights cause me so much heartache and stress. We only have 1 vehicle and he makes sure he takes it when he leaves. Last year we had only lap top computer for our family to share, when he was in one of his moods he would change the password so that my older kids or I couldn’t use it. Silly stupid control. He now can’t do that anymore as i made sure to get the kids their own computer. Things tend to get to a boiling point and we hash everything out. He cries and tells me he can’t belive how cruel he has been, he claims he can’t remember  the things I tell him happen until we have these talks and then he does remember. He says he will go to counselling, that he will try to be aware of his actions and words. every time it usually lasts a few days and the evil monster returns. The snarky comments half under his breath, or his complete ignoring us for the entire evening. I will never forget all the times i had been undressing to get in the shower after my baby was born, he would walk in and right out loud I would here him…..uuuggghhh! I used to get in the shower and cry. That was more than 6 months ago, since then I never undress in front of him and I go to bed with my clothes on. We have not been sleeping in the same bed for about 2 months now, he sleeps on the couch. he says whats the point of going to bed with someone like me, such a bitch he mine as well stay on the couch. He just doesn’t understand how much the things he does hurt and how now its really hard for me to smile and pretend like everything is fine when it is not. I feel really alone. One part of my life is so perfect, I have been blessed with 3 amazing kids and I love being their mom, but as a women I am destroyed. One of my fears when starting this blog as that it would come off as someone just whining about how bad her relationship is, but it is therapeutic to talk about and I think maybe I will connect with other moms or women out there going through something similar and it will be helpful to each other to chat and share experiences, maybe someone out there has lived this and turned things around. If my blogs help a women recognize that she may be headed into this kind of situation then it was worth it. Has anyone been here before? Has anyone ever lived with their partner just to raise children? Can it work out? I just don’t know where to go from here and for some crazy reason I am not ready to give up, you see The love I have for my daughter is far stronger than any bad feelings I have towards him.

All the Signs Were There

Looking back, I should have seen right from the start this was going to be bad. All the red flags were there. I guess it just depends on if you are really seeing whats happening, or are you so engrossed in your hopefulness and new romance that you are blind to even the most obvious of signs. My hope is that maybe by talking about these signs other women will pay more attention to them and realize just how serious they can be. He was very charming and literally from across the world. We met at work he had just moved here. at 38 years old he was single and never been married. RED FLAG number 1…. he had 2 children and his story was odd and suspicious to say the least. This was his version, Child number 1 was with a women who he wasnt even in a relationship with he had only seen ger a few times and they had slept together it was not serious and he had been upfront with about that from the start. He didn’t want to have a child with her but she was having the baby so he did what he felt at the time was the right thing, he stayed with her living in the same house to raise his daughter, but at no time were they ever in a romantic relationship. they seated in different bedrooms and his whole family could vouch for that. After 5 years he just couldn’t go living a fake life and he decided to move on, still seeing his daughter, she spent every week-end with him and he had been a good father to her. Child number 2 was a complete mistake according to him, trying to be a nice person he let a friend stay at his place while she was down on her luck, unemployed, no money and nowhere to live. He thought it would be nice to help her out and also she could help around the house with cleaning in return. Well, one night he had gone out and come home drunk she then must have taken advantage of him, because he has no memory of ever having slept with her……a few weeks later she told him she was pregnant. He said he never believed her, she was crazy and was trying to trap him. Together they went to the Dr. where it was confirmed in front of him that she was pregnant.He told her he did not want to have a baby with her under any circumstance, he didn’t want anything to do with her and most certainly new the baby wasnt his. She went on to have the baby and harnessed him the whole pregnancy. When the baby was around 9 months old the harassment was still going strong so he made arrangements for a paternity test to end this nightmare. He was shocked to learn that the baby was his. He saw the baby for a few weeks and then he moved. this is when we met! Wow what a situation and looking back, obviously not normal. 2 children and not in a relationship with either mother, both crazy and trying to trap him. It was poor me why were these crazy women trying to ruin his life he was a nice guy, never hurt anyone. Now I see that he is what is called a BLAMER and this is very bad because they say the rule of blame is simple it will fall on the person closest to him and eventually that would become me. At 38 years old he has never been accountable for anything and everything bad that has ever happened has been someone elses fault never his…WARNING,WARNING!!!!  this was so true for every aspect of his life. The 2nd RED FLAG is ENTITLEMENT, he had such a chip on his shoulder, confident, cocky or dangerous? He shouldnt have to wait in line, they will put me through. Why should he have to wait in traffic? And if it weren’t for him his workplace would fall apart he is the only one that did anything there the rest of them were just idiots who didn’t know what they were doing! And now of course without him i also would be nothing, it is because of him we have what we have etc…ect,…. So, you see the signs should be played attention too! I wish I would have slowed down and opened my eyes before I was in this deep! Pay attention ladies! And the worst part is his history was so obviously sketchy, as soon as I typed it I thought, wow was I ever dumb!

How Did I End Up Here?

I am a 32-year-old mother of 3 great kids, I work and I live with the father of my youngest child. We are not married and have only been together for just over 2 years. I have 2 teenage children 16 and 13 and a little 14 month old baby. I love my children more than anything, they truly are the light of my life. At the very young age of 16 my first daughter was born, both her father and I had no idea what we were doing but we knew we loved her so much and she was the best thing that ever happened to us. At 18 we did the so-called right thing and got married a year later my son was born, we had the million dollar family. When my son was 2 we divorced, we were so young and we really did give a good shot but it just was never ment to be. I was 21. I had different boyfriends but nothing that seemed to be THE ONE, when I turned 28 I started wondering if I would ever find the right guy, if I would ever get married, would I ever be happy like most of my friends. By this time most of my friends were either married or engaged. i wondered why all these girls found guys that loved them enough to put a ring on their finger and vow to spend the rest of their lives with them. I wasnt overly upset about it but it bothered me. At the age of 30 my died and my world as i knew it changed forever. But then I met a guy. A great guy, mature succesful, handsome, fun, everything I ever wanted in a guy he was. I fell in love hard and fast and after the most amazing 2 months I was pregnant with our daughter. Joy would be an understatement of the emotion in felt when i knew she was coming. A baby with the man who I knew was the one. A baby born to me now as an adult more mature and relaxed, better equipped to be a mommy. Life was looking good, I was happy! and before I could even see it coming, it was over, gone without a trace. He was an abuser, only I didn’t know it at the time. he was not violent he did not hit me, his abuse was through his actions and his words and no one has ever made me feel smaller than he did. My pregnancy was horrible. His late nights out drinking, or not coming home all put stress on me ways I could have never before imagined. the constant threats of leaving scared me . The way he had my life in his tight grip and I couldn’t budge an inch, my job, my finances, my independence all controlled by him. and it all happened so smoothly that I didn’t see it happen and even when I started to I could never explain it. He was and is mean and the worst part is my older kids have witnessed it all. Why am I so afraid to move on? I thought at my age  I would be able to make this work, that my baby would grow up with her mommy and daddy this time I would do better. I want to do right by her. I can not be the only mom out there living this way for the sake of her children. Right or wrong I can’t be the only one.